Cancer sucks.

But you probably already knew that, right?

And you probably already knew that cancer kills healthy cells. But would you like to know what cancer kills even more effectively? I’ll tell you. Cancer kills a healthy love life, that’s what.

Now on the one hand I can say that, in spite of my health, I’ve dated A LOT in the past year. It’s true. But the thing is, that they have almost all been first dates. Oh, yes, there were a handful of second dates and even a few third dates. But eventually they all come to the point where the woman has to decide if she wants to get in the ring with a guy who brings real risks to the relationship.

And so far, no one has been too keen on getting into the ring.

Fortune dictated that the primary site of my melanoma was not on my thigh or back or elbow or anywhere else I might like to keep to myself until a later date when I’ve gotten to a comfortable, trusting place with a woman. No. My primary site was on the side of my head. I’ve got a giant surgical gash on the side of my head and that, you know, requires some kind of explanation when meeting someone for the first time. And I always come clean. I always tell the whole truth. And it basically gives the woman the opportunity to back off before becoming emotionally involved. And it seems like that’s the way it is going to stay because I will not lie to someone, especially someone I might want to continue dating.

It’s fucked.

Oh sure, there is the attitude that, any woman who would give up on me so quickly is not someone I would want to date in the long run, but you know what? That attitude would be a lot easier to swallow if it actually helped filter out the bad eggs from the good eggs. But so far, there have been no eggs left over.

And the really screwed thing is, I understand them.

I mean, if I’m honest, I totally understand why they are making the decisions they are making, and truth be told, I would possibly make the same decision if the situation was reversed. But that was before I really knew what cancer was and how it actually affects a person’s life. I would have bailed based on ignorance. I’m not proud of it, but it’s true.

But now that I have the direct experience of it, I have a completely different sense of what cancer can bring to a person. And I mean it, I am totally excited about my new found respect for brute force reality, my insistance on complete honesty, my uncompromising fearlessness and my reawakened hunger for living. Those seem like pretty good credentials for a meaningful relationship, but I just don’t know if they are apparent to anyone who hasn’t gone through the ringer themselves.

A couple of months ago, the local public radio station here had an interview with two women authors who recently wrote a book about the sexual and romantic lives of cancer survivors. I wish I could remember their names. They were both cancer survivors themselves and they spoke from experience about the issue. And they came to the same conclusion I came to. Cancer does not rob you of your humanity or keep you from wanting meaningful connections with other people. But it does make things damn complicated.

Now I’m not generally given to fits of self pity. And actually this feels more like just expressing a frustration than crying out “woe is me.” The situation is really crappy and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know. Maybe it is self pity. What I do know is, I’m pretty sick of it.

So let’s hear it from my readers. Would you date someone with cancer or other serious illness? Have you before? Is it a deal killer for you? And PLEASE, do me and my readers the courtesy of telling the truth or don’t bother to comment. I know that I, for one, can handle the truth.

Hell, these days I can handle anything.

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